To Dream
by Ferryman
Summary: Rodney is losing his mind. - This was originally started for a flashfic competition but went on a bit further. I don't feel it is as good as it should be but am unable to find the missing part so I have decided to just post as is. Hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Perchance to Dream;

**Not to sleep, but to dream****;**

Rodney knows something is not right. Normally his brain is firing electrical pulses from cell to cell. Each one lighting up with new ideas, theories, insults. He is usually jumping from idea to idea with a minimum of ten things humming away in the background.

Multitasking is second nature to him, something he doesn't even get a thrill out of anymore as it seems as easy to him as walking, as breathing, as sleeping. No, not sleeping. He has always had trouble with sleeping. Especially since he came to the Pegasus Galaxy, so full of wonder, full of pain and he has experienced both in their entirety during his stay here. It has left his dreams full of things that wake him up feeling more alone than at any other time in his life, wishing he had someone to hold him in the dark. Although, he has not had a nightmare in weeks, and as thankful as he is for that, he does not have time to dwell on it as his thoughts are on bigger worries.

Lately, he has become aware that he has to work at multitasking again. He is finding it increasingly harder to concentrate and he is worried. He knows he should tell someone that he is not up to par but he can't bring himself to make that acknowledgment out loud. Can't bare to say out loud, _'I'm losing my mind', _and can't bare to see the look in people's eyes.

There is also that voice in the back of his head that, even after four years of friendship with people he respects and loves still taunts him, still makes him doubt. Still finds himself asking if without his genius will they still welcome him, befriend him or will he lose everything he holds dear? He cannot put into words or even feelings, he just knows it would kill him to lose everything he has found here. Not only respect for his work but himself. These people accept him for who he is, faults and all, and he loves them for it although a part of him still thinks it is because of his genius and for no other reason.

He had his blood tested as part of his physical only three weeks before so he knows that is clean. He has been to the infirmary three times in the last week to complain about a headache and insist on a scan. They found nothing wrong and he is worried that they may be starting to suspect that he is looking for something more, that this is not just his usual hypochondria. His thoughts keep wandering, trying to think of other things that might cause something like this and then there is part of him that is still in denial that thinks it may pass.

To start with he thought it might just be lack of sleep so he took a weekend off and slept. He kept waking up every four or five hours which was nothing new, but he did not feel refreshed as he normally did after a couple of hours sleep and so he had scrubbed this off his list of causes. He had looked for radiation leaks throughout the city, without anyone knowing of course, and that had to be scrubbed from the list too. He found himself working through his list of possible causes.

"McKay! Damn, what are you playing at? We are on a time limit here you know," Sheppard interrupted his thoughts angrily. Rodney flinched and spun round towards his voice, only to realise that he had stilled. So carried away with his thoughts was he that he had actually stopped moving. He spun back to the console with renewed vigour, trying to concentrate solely on what he was doing. "How long have I got?" he snapped at Sheppard as anger at himself flared. His emotions were also becoming more unstable which he put down to stress of losing his genius and therefore perfectly understandable. A part of him thought it worrisome that people did not seem to notice this instability.

There was a pause that lay heavy in the air and Rodney tried to ignore it. Tried not to react facially as he mentally smacked himself for giving away the fact he was not 'normal'. His internal clock during a crisis was true to the second and to actually have to ask how long he had left had given far too much away, especially considering he had asked Sheppard of all people.

"Twenty minutes, Rodney," Sheppard said flatly. Rodney could hear the cogs turning in that voice, the trepidation that he needed to know something but knew this was not the time. It promised there would be questions later and Rodney tried to ignore the foreboding settling into him. He made a conscious effort to concentrate on reprogramming the console in front of him to divert the power from the naquadah generators to avoid the power build up that was imminent.

He managed it, possibly he thinks with about two minutes to spare. He certainly wasn't going ask. Radek was on leave and Rodney passed fitfully between relief and disappointment. If Radek had been looking over his shoulder he would have realised that Rodney should have finished the coding twenty minutes previously and it should never have got that close and Rodney would have been answering some very difficult questions, but then again there may be a time when he was too late and he wished Radek was there to step in, to have the back up of someone capable that he trusted just in case.

He knew he was still better than the majority of scientists under his charge and that most of them wouldn't have been able to do the recoding in twice the time but it still did not diminish the fact that he had almost been too slow, that this time he had almost endangered Atlantis. He realised that he was going to have to say something soon. Radek was due back tomorrow morning, if he could just hold out till then, then he would say something he told himself.

Tomorrow he would say it out loud and he could not stop his heart clenching in fear or the heavy foreboding that settled in his stomach.

oOo

Sheppard watched as Rodney packed away his tools quietly. His brow furrowed in worry as he watched his friend. Rodney had just saved them… again, and he was not crowing, there were no genius remarks and now he came to think of it there had not been any for while now.

Mckay had seemed distracted more and more over the last two weeks. Nothing more than most but in Rodney it was just wrong, just as this stillness was wrong. Rodney was the epitome of movement and concentration, always focused on one thing and it was hard to get his attention sometimes. He always seemed vague because of this focus, but now he was just vague more than anything else. He could tell he was worried about something and he had hoped that he would say something on his own but today was a precedent.

Sheppard had stood over McKay's shoulder a hundred times over the last four years and over that time he had developed a basic understanding and although he didn't know all the facts he was sure that it should not have taken that long. He had to shout at him to get him to finish it at all. He still could not get over the image of turning back into the room and seeing Rodney stock still, brow furrowed. At first he had thought he was thinking through his next step until he realised that the fingers were not tapping, they always tapped out his thought processes gradually speeding up as he neared a solution. To see them so still was just wrong. John Sheppard was very, very worried.

He mentally relaxed his stance, ironed out his brow and lightened his voice and then casually asked the question that had also been bothering him. "So, which one of your scientist is responsible for our little picnic outing?"

Nothing.

"Rodney?"

"McKay!" He visibly took a breath to centre himself as Rodney turned to him as if surprised he was even in the room. "Just wondering who gets the full McKay rant and if I can get front row tickets?" He asked causally, even managing to paste a trademark smirk on his features.

Rodney normally spent the entire time fixing someone else's problem with a detailed litany of what he was going to do to said scientist when he was done and the incompetence of said scientist and generally stated some lower food chain entity that he should have hired in their stead but he had not said anything against any of his scientists throughout the repairs, had not said much of anything throughout the repairs and both were just wrong, alarm bells were ringing loud and clear in John's head.

He watched Rodney's blue eyes glance back down to his tools and then back up to him for an instant and then back down to his tools which he was still packing away. Every move was too slow and although the emotions were still there for all to see there was a vague smokiness that overlay his emotions, obscuring and distorting them so that Sheppard could not be sure of what he was seeing.

"I will have to look into it but I will have an answer for you tomorrow morning. Once I have updated Radek I will see you in the morning briefing at eleven and I will discuss it then." Even his voice was quiet, hesitant. John almost did not hear the last part, almost a whisper, "Then I will tell you everything."

John decided to leave it till then. He had a horrible feeling he already knew who was responsible but decided that he would leave it till tomorrow. It would give him time to decide in his own mind where his loyalties lay, with Atlantis or with Rodney. It was something he never thought he would have to decide between but somehow he knew he was going to have to make a choice… and soon.

TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2;

**Chapter 2;**

Sheppard had stumbled back to his quarters. He was tired but unable to sleep with thoughts and fears whirling around in his mind. He knew in his heart of hearts that his loyalty was to Rodney and he would do everything in his power to support him but that did not stop his fears. How far would he go to support him and with Sam in charge how much sway did he hold now.

With Elizabeth he had known he had her full backing and she would fight his corner with him, especially with regards to McKay. He did not know Sam well enough and had not really had the chance to prove himself to her. He had no idea if she would support him in his actions. He was also confused as to how she felt about McKay. There seemed to be some feeling there as he remembered her defence of him to the Colonel's during the briefing on destroying the Replica city. And yet, at the same time she did not seem to actively seek him out and often became exasperated with him herself. Again, he had no idea how far she would support him.

When morning came he still had no answers. He dragged himself out of bed and showered, dressed and left for the mess hall for breakfast. He did not see Rodney during his time there and that only made him more uneasy. He spoke to Ronon and Teyla and asked them about their opinions of McKay and if they had noticed anything unusual lately.

"He hasn't called me caveman in a while," Ronon said, and actually managed to sound sulky about it. Sheppard raised an eyebrow. Ronon shrugged, "It's a McKay thing." Sheppard could only figure from the tone that Ronon thought it meant something bad was going on between them and he wasn't happy about it. Sheppard had no idea Ronon felt this way about the insult but then when he thought about Rodney calling him Flyboy he felt he understood.

Then Teyla leant forward. "He has been distracted and unusually quiet for the last three weeks and clearly worried about something, but he will not talk about it. He has had two scans that I know of this week for headaches although he has not taken any tablets for them as far as I know which for Rodney is… unusual. His appetite seems to be the same but he has not complained about anything for the last week and a half and I am worried." Teyla said in her clipped dulcet tones, eyes sincere as she locked eyes with Sheppard in worry.

Okay, Sheppard officially felt racked with guilt as he had only just started to notice things for the last week and only prior to that when he had stopped to think about it. He knew that Teyla often noticed more of her surroundings and in particular in a social context but still. Guilt.

"Yes, well. I also noticed something was wrong. I'm seeing him at eleven for a briefing and if nothing becomes clear by lunch time today then I think we should bring it to a head. I will radio you when I get out of the briefing and if need be we can take lunch and Rodney to my quarters under the pretence of watching a video. Then we can get to the bottom of this, one way or another. It's starting to affect his work and I can no longer give him the space to do this on his own. What do you think?"

Teyla and Ronon smiled. "We will be grateful to do something," Teyla said as Ronon nodded in agreement.

Sheppard left breakfast feeling a little lighter. Still hesitant as to what could be wrong with Rodney he could not help trying to guess what the problem was. He had been through many scenarios and the only feasible reasons he could come up with were guilt affecting him, illness in either himself or Jeannie or something to do with his self depreciation.

He had toyed with the idea of alien control but the decline was so gradual and without any set goal that he had dismissed this. Then he had wondered if someone had said something that could have affected him, for such a prickly egotistical guy it was surprising how touchy he could be and how deeply he could take something to heart. He had nosed around though and was unable to find anything so had put this thought on the back burner so to speak.

He knew how deeply he felt about Jeannie and had toyed with the idea that Rodney was worried for her over something but both he and Teyla kept in touch with her as well and she had not mentioned anything in her emails, although if it was a family affair then maybe she wouldn't so this was also on the back burner as a possibility.

He knew Rodney had nightmares and he knew that he was racked with guilt over things that had happened in the past let alone the news they had received about the replicators decimating whole planets. Sheppard had know he was taking the news badly, that normally gave Rodney focus to fix the problem, but he seemed just as distracted with any projects relating to that as he did all the others.

Sheppard was at a loss, but still could not help trying to second guess the problem. He hated going into something blind and knowing he was not the best person to discuss feelings he was terrified that he would say something that would only make matters worse. He had been trying to come up with solutions and conversations to any number of problems so that he would be prepared for any eventuality.

He went to his office and started his shift. He was notified when Lorne's team came back through the Stargate with Radek and the mission had gone smoothly. He had been expecting as much, just slight repairs to one of their trader's technology. Then again, he always expected his own missions to go smoothly and that was not always the case so that probably explained the release of tension across his shoulders that he had not even realised was there until he got the all clear from Lorne that everybody was back in Atlantis safely.

He had been eager for Radek to return to ask if he had notified anything prior to leaving or if he knew of anything that would have caused Rodney to behave the way he was. The village had been so far from the gate and due to the problem they were unable to take a puddle jumper so he had been gone two weeks. Sheppard thought that there was a slight chance he had noticed something but felt that if there had been anything significant he would have mentioned it before he left.

It did not change anything if Radek had noticed something or not. Sheppard now knew there was something wrong of that he was sure. No, he wanted Radek there for back up. He needed to know how badly this was affecting Rodney's ability to run the Science Department and how dangerous this was to Atlantis. He also needed someone to step in if an emergency occurred and Rodney went day tripping on him again. Radek would also be able to keep a close eye on Rodney during his shift to ensure he was okay, not only for Atlantis sake but for his own.

He would also be able to help Sheppard locate Rodney if he bolted on him. Rodney did not like to discuss his feelings anymore than Sheppard did and was surprisingly adept at avoidance. If he could carry over his skills from his personal life to the field he would be even better but sadly he only seemed to experience this special talent when avoiding Sheppard.

He often wondered what they would do if McKay ever went over to the dark side. They would be doomed. The guy could disappear faster than smoke when he wanted to and remain hidden even from Sheppard and his black ops training and come to think of it Ronnon who, in his opinion, could track ghosts in the snow at night.

In addition to this, Mckay was a genius with the Atlantis system and his time here had taught him to think outside the box. No, he hoped Mckay never went over the edge to the dark side because he was adamant there would be nothing they could do.

He realised that he would not be able to talk to Radek until after the briefing as he would be with Rodney until then. He would have to wait till after as he would want Radek's input even if Rodney decided to come clean at the briefing.

He looked down at his paperwork and realised that he had done almost nothing. He too was distracted it seemed and he needed this resolved. He looked at the time and sighed. Nearly eleven and he had reached no conclusions, he was still no wiser than when he woke up this morning.

He just hoped that he could help Rodney with the problem that seemed to affect him so deeply.

If truth be told, he was a little angry as well. Rodney should know that he could talk to him about anything and he should have said something before now. He pointedly ignored the distinctly Canadian voice in his head _pot? Kettle? Black much?_

He checked his watch again and then stood up, left his office and made his way to the briefing.


	3. Chapter 3

Sheppard sat in the empty debriefing room with a cup of coffee in front of him

**Chapter 3:**

Sheppard sat in the empty debriefing room with a cup of coffee in front of him. His face thoughtful but his mind numb with dead ends and not enough answers. He was idly twisting the coffee cup round and round by its handle when Sam walked in.

He looked up at her and gave a quick smile and half a nod returning his attention back to his coffee as she turned to get her own. She came and sat down two chairs up from him. "Morning Colonel," she said lightly.

"Morning," Sheppard replied with a fake grin and morphed into his trademark slouch. All done on a subconscious level with no thought. One hand reached for his coffee, now needing to stretch in order to reach it. He snagged it and drew it into him to take a sip, looking into the cup to avoid looking at Sam for a little while longer. _'Don't ask, please, please, don't ask about Rodney'._

He put his cup back on the table, ignoring the fact that Sam was looking at him thoughtfully. He was aware of her as she placed her cup to one side and placed the now free hand over the other as she took a deep deciding breath.

Sheppard started planning his answer.

"Colonel…," she started, but she was interrupted by Dr Rodney McKay strolling in at full speed with Radek in tow, taking positions opposite Sheppard and Carter. Sam raised an eyebrow at Radek's presence but obviously felt that McKay had his reasons and waited to hear them. John took this as a good sign that she had trust in him.

Sheppard felt relief at avoiding any discussion with Sam which lasted a nanosecond as it was instantaneously replaced with wary and foreboding worry for Rodney. He studied Radek trying to see if he had the answers he had been looking for all day but all he could see in his face and actions were nerves.

Sheppard waited for them to get their coffee but it didn't happen. Rodney placed a restraining hand on Radek's forearm as he went to rise and nodded him back into his seat. He turned to lock eyes with Sam. "I have something to say before we start."

If Sheppard was honest he would have said that it felt as if he had stopped. Stopped breathing, stopped thinking, even his beating heart as he waited in trepidation for the next few words. He saw Sam glance at him to see if he knew anything and then swung back to Rodney as he started to speak. His own eyes never left McKay.

"Radek will be taking over my duties temporarily while I take a leave of absence. I will remain in Atlantis during this time."

Rodney leaned back, composed. You'd think it was just a declaration that blue jello was his favourite dessert.

Silence filled the room and as it stretched Rodney started to twitch. First an almost indiscernible twitch in the neck, then his wrist spasmed as his thumb and forefinger snapped together and apart again. Then he lifted himself up slightly as he re-seated himself.

"Well, I should…ah… I should go then," and he actually started to stand. Sheppard knew if they let him go he would recede within himself, try to deal with this alone and they would not be able to help him. That useless feeling was starting to fill him again.

"Rodney!" Sam barked exasperation clear in her voice.

Rodney froze in mid rise as his head snapped up to look at her.

"Sit," she said, pointing him back to his seat.

He stayed where he was and then sighed deeply, resignedly, as he relaxed back into his seat dropping his gaze to the table as he did so.

Sam sighed, centring herself and in that moment Sheppard was reminded strikingly of Elizabeth.

"Rodney, did you want to elaborate?" Sam asked raising her eyebrows.

"Er, No, well if that's all," and he put his hands on the arms of the chair to push himself out of the seat again.

"Rodney," she growled and waited for him to relax into his seat again with a huff. "Can I ask why you want to take a leave of absence?" she asked.

"Personal reasons, I thought I covered that. Didn't I say that?" Rodney said as his limbs twitched and spun around him.

_Oh, no you don't Rodney. You don't get to run a way and hide. Damn it, how are we going to help you if you won't __even tell us what's wrong. _Sheppard was now coiled like a spring with anger and frustration. Dangerously quietly, through clenched teeth, he said, "I think what Sam means is," and then he raised his voice to shout as he leant forward and slammed his hands face down on the desk, "What the Hell!"

Rodney flinched violently at the outbreak. Eyes locked onto Sheppard like he was a wild animal and Sheppard thought it was the sanest thing he had done since he came into the room. He waved an arm angrily at Radek. "Did you know anything about this?"

Radek's eyes grew wide, "No, no, I…" he just shrugged, shock evident. John turned back to Rodney and raised his eyebrows pointedly at Rodney.

"Colonel," Sam warned and then turning to Rodney she said softly. "McKay, we are all aware that you have not been yourself lately and we just want to help." Sheppard glanced at Sam in surprise, part of him wanting to ask there and then what she had seen and as he turned back to Rodney he saw Radek looking between all three of them in curiosity.

"Oh…you er… you noticed that," Rodney said and then looked to the side, his eyes twitching as his mind worked. "Right," he said as he glanced self-consciously at Radek and then looked back to Sam.

"See, the thing is… Well, its like this. The problem…" Rodney sighed deep and to Sheppard is sounded a little broken. "I'm losing my mind," he finished quietly.

Sheppard could see Sam's and Radek's mouth quirk and before he could stop himself he heard his voice, "And you're only just realising this?" with his eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face.

There was no retort, no outbreak of sarcasm. Rodney just turned to him, blue eyes filled with hurt, pain and fear. _Jesus_. The smirk fell from his face as he leaned forward on the table.

"Rodney," he whispered and then had to swallow thickly, "sorry. I didn't… tell me," and as he saw the hesitation in his face, "I promise I wont, just let me help."

Rodney swallowed down his emotion and not looking at anyone he began. "I'm having trouble multitasking. I'm also having trouble concentrating and my short term memory seems to be," he paused, "intermittent and my emotions are erratic."

"Yesterday?" Sheppard asked quietly.

Rodney froze and then lifted his head slowly to look at Sheppard and then after a brisk nod dropped his head to the table and said in a quite voice, "the error was mine."

"Do you have any ideas? I mean maybe you just need to catch up on some sleep." Sheppard suggested slowly.

Frustration and anger flashed across his face. "Oh, I'm so glad I said something because I hadn't thought of that, you know what with me being an idiot and all. I mean it's not as if I'm known for using my brain for anything useful around here. Gee I guess I should just hand over my Genius T-Shirt now and have done with it! Of, course I have already tried that, what do you take me for? What, do you think this is just McKay and his hyprocondria. Think this is my way of trying to get a little attention!" Rodney was shouting, anger clear and blatant and his eyes on fire.

Sheppard flinched slightly. He had never been on the receiving end of the full McKay wrath and he suddenly understood why so many people were scared to death of him. "That the emotion thing?" Sheppard asked casually in a quiet voice, waving an arm vaguely in Rodney's direction.

"No, that is the 'I'm surrounded by idiots' thing," Rodney bit out sharply at him, sitting back down and huffing.

"Why don't you tell us what you have ruled out and how, Rodney, so we don't waste time going over the same things," said Sam.

Rodney sighed deeply and then started. "I tried catching up on my sleep," said with a death glare at Sheppard who shrugged in reply, "I've checked for radiation leaks, environmental changes. Checked air for unusual compounds. My blood and physical came back clean three weeks ago. I have also…er…" Rodney looked a little embarrassed, "managed to get ten brain scans over the last three weeks."

"Three weeks?" Sam enquired softly but with her disappointment clear.

Rodney's gaze dropped and his shoulders slumped even as he gave a small non-committal shrug.

Sam sighed. "We will find out what is causing this Rodney but if you _ever_ leave something as important as this so long again I will ship you back to Earth. You put Atlantis at risk and I cannot condone that. Do you understand?"

He nodded desolately.

"Not to mention the fact that by leaving an illness this long you put yourself at risk and I cannot condone that either," she continued.

Rodney's eyes flashed up and Sheppard was positive that his cheeks were a little redder and as he realised she was sincere his mouth quirked a little and his eyes shone brightly before he ducked his head back down.

Sheppard could not help but smirk and saw both Sam and Radek were too.

Sam cleared her throat. "Right, first port of call is Keller I think. I presume that you have already brought Radek up to speed?"

Rodney nodded. "Yes. Also, erm… I would prefer if we could keep this between ourselves for as long as possible." He twirled his hand in circles to indicate the four of them.

"Yes, Rodney. As far as anyone else needs to know I have ordered you to take some of you're leave. Are we agreed?" She asked as she looked around the table and everyone nodded in response.

She looked over to Radek. "Radek? You haven't said a lot. Are you okay with this, anything to add?"

Radek looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights and started giving nervous side glances to Rodney who had developed one of his vague looks again as Radek spoke. "It is a lot to take in certainly. Rodney should concentrate on getting better, yes, I will take over duties until then as long as he does not expect me to be responsible for his backlog of paperwork"

Sam smiled. "Okay. Sheppard, Radek, take Rodney to Keller to check him over and discuss any alternatives that could have caused this."

A small fragile voice whispered, "What if we don't find any causes?" They all turned to Rodney as Sam leant forward and locked eyes with him.

"Then we will try other means. One way or another we will find out a way to make this better and we will keep looking until we find it, Rodney."

Everyone ignored the fact that Rodney was blinking furiously.

"Right," Sheppard said as he stood and clasped his hands together, "Let's go get this in motion." He turned to Sam, "We will contact you later today with an update and to reschedule this meeting." Sam nodded in response.

Radek led the trio out the door but just before Rodney went through he stopped short and turned to Sam who was now stood up as she collected her things together.

"Er," Rodney started and as Sam turned to look at him, "Thank you, Sam." He nodded and left. Sam smiled indulgently and Sheppard openly smirked, feeling lighter than he had for days as he followed behind Rodney, finally doing something.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4,

Chapter 4,

They entered the infirmary together and Dr. Keller motioned him under the body scan for a full medical. Radek had gone into Keller's office to check through the Atlantis systems looking for both references in the database and anything in the atmosphere. The general thinking was that as it was only affecting him then it was either due to a chemical reaction with his hypoglycaemia or due to something that only he was working with.

Radek was going through all his experiments over the last three months, to take into account something that may have sat dormant for a while before affecting the scientist. With too much energy and nothing to shoot, Sheppard just hovered. Rodney recognised this Sheppard mode. He generally saw it just before a rescue mission, this impatience of not doing anything causing his body to constantly move and shift.

Sheppard was trying to put him at his ease, talking to him about anything and everything, about nothing just trying to keep his mind off the problem at hand… and the needles. "Hey! That's valuable liquid there! I need more than the average person to keep this genius brain going. Do you really need that much?"

Keller gave him that patient look he was getting used to from her. "I need to do a number of tests and I figured you would prefer it if I took it all at once rather than returning every time I needed to do another test. Did I presume correctly, McKay?"

He huffed in response. Not really in the mood to argue the point. And then of course, there was the point that she _had_ presumed correctly.

During the scan, Keller moved away to notify the nurses on shift that they were not allowed to mention that McKay was in residence and to leave all his medical attention to herself, for which they were obviously thankful. _Damn machocist's anyway. _He was just as thankful as they were.

"Rodney?"

Damn. His concentration was still drifting. He marginally wondered how many times Sheppard had called his name as he looked at him. "Sheppard?" He responded, going for sarcasm was always a safe response when dealing with Sheppard.

"Erm… I need to ask you something." He was visibly squirming which was making Rodney nervous, as if he needed anything more in that area.

"No, you can't have my comic collection if I die," He said, watching Sheppard.

"McKay! No, I was speaking to Ronon and Teyla at Lunch and they said they were worried about you and I know you said you only wanted us four to know about it but I was wondering… if erm… it would be okay to tell them. I know they would want to know."

Rodney blinked. Then he thought about what they meant to each other and that he owed them his life many times over.

"They're our team," Sheppard said quietly.

And that was it, the simple truth. They went through everything together and although he did not want the pity, just having these four helping him had given him more comfort than he was willing to admit. He nodded.

Sheppard grinned, his relief obvious. "You'll tell them though?" Rodney asked. "I don't think I can… er… you know, say that all again."

Sheppard dropped the grin and put a hand on his shoulder to squeeze. "Of course, buddy. I'll wait till we are through here and then I'll tell them."

Keller returned and led them all to her office shutting them in.

"Radek?" Sheppard asked.

He shook his head, pushing his glasses back up and running a hand through his messy curls. "Nada, I have checked the atmosphere and unable to find anything that has changed in the last month. I have looked at the cleaning filters and systems for Atlantis and also found nothing. I am going through the database but I am also unable to find anything yet that mentions the symptoms that Rodney has. I will continue looking."

Keller meanwhile had moved to her computer to assess the results of the scan. Rodney figured that Radek would not find anything, after all he had been looking for three weeks and had not found anything but he was willing to hope, considering what was at stake.

Keller turned to him. "We are looking for everything but we have to take into account that there is the possibility that this is neurological. If we don't find anything here then I suggest that you also see the psychiatrist to see if there is some other reason for this. Okay?" He could see the worry in her eyes, about how he would take it as everyone knew how he felt about _that_ particular science. He had had enough of brain doctors over the years but considering the alternative…

"I will talk to them, but only once I know we have exhausted everything else and _only_ then. Okay?"

Keller nodded eagerly. "Okay," she said with relief clear in her voice.

Rodney cleared his throat. He was annoyed that he was doing stuff he hated just to please her. He hadn't done that since high school and he knew from painful experience that that way only lay pain but he still couldn't seem to stop himself. "So, you find anything, presuming of course that there is a reason I am trying to survive on the one pint of blood you left me with?"

Keller smirked and again the conflicting emotions between pleased and wary pulsed through him as she spoke. "It will take time to get the results in. I want to keep you here for observation and in particular I want to use a polysomnogram on you while you sleep here tonight. I would be surprised if we found the answer in the first few minutes, Rodney. You are going to have to be patient," she smirked, "Which I know is not one of you better known characteristics."

"What is a Polysomnogram?"

"Basically, it's a sleep test. You will be wired up so that twelve channels of data can be recorded while you sleep. Two channels will be linked to the EEG and will determine if you are reaching sleep mode and what phase you are reaching. The third channel will monitor the air flow to ensure that you are breathing correctly during sleep and not reducing your oxygen intake. Channels Four, Five and Six will be attached to your chin and each of your legs for muscle movements. Channels Seven and Eight will be attached to your eyes to monitor REM and Channel Nine to your heart to monitor its rate and rhythm. Channel Ten will be attached to your finger for oxygen saturation and finally, channel's Eleven and Twelve will be wrapped around your chest and abdomen, again for movement. I know it sounds like a lot but this is a very common test and no patient as ever complained of not being able to sleep with all these wires attached. It will discount about five possible causes in one night. I will have the results by mid day tomorrow. Okay?"

"Sure. Bring on the voodoo box. I will probably dream I'm Pinocchio with all those strings attached, especially with the eaten by a whale thing we've already got in common." He tried not to show how smug he was when she laughed gently at his joke and huffed at her instead.

"Well, there is no reason for you two to hang around here. Radek, go back to the labs and do your research from there. I don't trust our monkey's without anyone to watch over them. Sheppard, now would be as good a time as any to go see Ronon and Teyla."

They dispersed and Rodney changed into his scrubs and got into his infirmary bed. He was glad he was alone in the isolation room as he was more than ready for the peace and quiet now. It had been an emotional five hours. He was not sure his heart had recovered from the briefing earlier that day yet.


	5. Chapter 5

Keller sat them all down

Chapter 5

Keller entered the room to find them all waiting for her. Teyla was sat next to Rodney with Ronon leaning against the wall behind him. They were all protecting Rodney unconsciously trying to protect and cocoon him.

Sheppard sat opposite him, giving him a friendly face amongst the imagined enemies. He would be able to give him eye contact and reassurance from this position whilst Teyla and Ronon gave him physical reassurance from theirs. Sam and Radek sat to one side their eyes glancing at the team mates.

Keller sat down between Sam and Rodney. "Sleep Deprivation."

Everyone looked at her, except for Sheppard who looked at Rodney smugly.

"Oh please. Slow down flyboy, it's not proven yet." He turned to Keller. "I tried catching up on my sleep, it didn't make any difference."

"Yes, Rodney. You slept but not in REM mode. Sleep deprivation can cause aching muscles, blurred vision, clinical depression, colour blindness, daytime drowsiness, decreased mental activity and concentration. There is also a general confusion, hand tremors, headaches, hyperactivity, impatience, irritability, memory lapses, slowed reaction time and even hallucinations.

Now, the lack of REM state alleviates the clinical depression and most anti-depressants will actually suppress REM sleep to achieve this. However, it will also increase appetite, anxiety, irritability and difficulty concentrating. The patient can also experience Hallucinations, both auditory and visually, known as ICU psycosis. Do any of these things ring a bell?"

Rodney's neck twitched slightly and his lips thinned into a straight line, "One or two." He sighed and indicated for her to carry on.

"What's REM?" Ronon interrupted.

Keller turned to him. "REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement. It is a sleep state that although not proven many scientists believe is responsible for dream state. It is widely believed that the brain needs to enter this state on a regular basis to process memories, stabilise chemistry and many other things that we are yet to understand."

Sheppard was only half listening, still stuck on Rodney's response. _One or two? Which ones have you been struggling with all this time? I would bet all of them you damn idiot! _He could not stop himself from glancing at Rodney's hands to see if they were shaking. They were clasped together and Sheppard would bet money that it was to stop the shaking from showing.

"REM sleep blocks Monoamines which stops motor neurons. Without REM state, the Monoamines are not blocked and therefore the patient can also experience sleepwalking. In contrary though, lack of REM will also stop erm…" Keller blushed, "Morning Glory and in men can be used as an indication of organic or psychological problems."

"Oh thank god." Rodney's relief was blatant in that statement.

Everybody tried to cover their smirks except Sheppard who also raised an eyebrow at Rodney. "Something you need to talk about, buddy?" McKay glared a death glare at him with a slight flush of embarrassment on his skin as he indicated for Keller to continue.

"Small doses of clonazepam will halt the motor neurons. However, I only want to administer this if you are dealing with sleepwalking as we do not know the cause as yet." Something in her mannerisms changed. A nervousness seemed to hang in the air.

Rodney flashed a look at Sheppard who sat up a little straighter as Rodney turned to her. "What do you think caused it?" He said as he pinned her with a glare.

Keller glanced up at him and then back down as she started reorganising her paperwork. "This is the Pegasus Galaxy, Rodney. I don't need to tell you that it could be anything here. I am running tests and waiting for results."

"There is something you are not telling me." Rodney stated assuredly. His voice stated clearly that it was a fact that was not to be disputed.

Keller bit her lip and stated, "Lack of REM sleep _can_ be an indication of alpha-synuclein pathology."

"In English!!" Rodney growled quietly and somehow more terrifying than any of his rants to date. His eyes shone like ice as he glared at her.

Keller flinched and swallowed, then raised her head defiantly to look Rodney in the eye as she spoke, "Parkinson's Disease."

Silence filled the room until Keller continued in a quiet voice.

"In addition… and bear in mind this is only in laboratory animals… prolonged REM sleep deprivation can lead to death and survivability of the experimental animals decreases when REM sleep is totally attenuated during infection. There obviously is no experimentation or study in humans but in case you will be restricted to Atlantis and not allowed off world until REM sleep is restored and I am keeping you in isolation to reduce any chance of infection and under observation until further notice."

Rodney had deflated on her initial answer and was now just staring at her and Sheppard did not think he had heard any of the last. He was racking his brain, trying to think of what he could say to make it better but there was nothing. He just felt shock, still trying to get his head round the fact that something so simple and erroneous could be deadly.

"How long, till we know?" Sam asked in a quiet voice. Sheppard looked at Keller and could see the worry in her watery eyes and heard the hitch in her breath as she answered. She was worried as hell and that in turn worried him even more than the things she was saying. Keller was an optimist and if she was worried it did not bode well.

"I should know in 24 hours," She turned to Rodney and placed a hand on his forearm. "I don't think it is that but I have to check. In the meantime we will look at every alternative we can. We _will_ find out why." She moved her head, trying to make eye contact with him.

Rodney looked at her and gave her what he probably thought was a reassuring smile and a tight nod.

Everyone kept staring at Rodney, trying to get their heads round this news. They were all trying to understand that they could be looking at someone who was dying, that Rodney may be lost to them. Sheppard did not know how the others were dealing with it but he wasn't. It was like his brain was on a loop. _Rodney may die _and then his brain stuttered to a stop in shock. Unable to continue down that train of thought without stopping and so it started again, over and over and he could not comprehend.

All those times they had come so close. Hell, he _had _actually seen him die twice but somehow he always knew he would survive. Normally through stubborn thinking on both their parts but hey it worked till now. He kept trying to think positively but he could not get to that point, forever stuck on the one thought. _Rodney may die._

Sam cleared her throat, "Keep us up to date. Anything or anyone you need just say." Her voice sounded distant and abnormal in the heavy silence of the room as Keller nodded and rose quietly. Prodding Rodney into movement with a hand on his elbow they left the briefing room for the infirmary.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Rodney followed Keller through the hallways to infirmary and through to the back of the infirmary to the isolation room. Every now and again a small part of him would twitch as if to signal the beginnings of a rant at the injustice of it all but would fall still only a second later.

Trapped inside his own mind as images of his future flashed before him, the most repetitive being him returning through the gate to Earth, leaving everything and everyone behind him. Forever trapped on a planet of his birth looking up to the stars without ever being a part of them again. Knowing the danger he would leave his friends to face alone as his mind slowly forgot them all.

He knew he was thinking the worst, that Keller had said she didn't think is was Parkinson's but still he could not stop thinking about it. He had gone through so much heartache, balanced so much against knowledge. He nearly lost his sister because of how highly he valued it, and now it would all be for nothing as he slowly lost everything he had learned. All his trials and tribulations, all his stands against bullies and bureaucrats and were all for nothing because in the end all his knowledge, all his experiences would be gone. Unless… no, it wasn't that, it couldn't be that.

"Rodney?" Keller said quietly as she guided him to the bed. "I need you to change into these scrubs, okay? Rodney?"

Rodney nodded quietly and started to change as she left the room. He climbed into bed when he was done and sagged against the pillows. Any fight in him was gone exhausted by the emotional turmoil he had endured. His body dragged him into sleep, a sleep without dreams.HHH

Sheppard came into to find Rodney asleep. He dressed in scrubs to avoid any germs reaching Rodney who was now in a clean room. He stood and looked into the room before he entered. Rodney looked so peaceful and yet so still. As he watched the stillness started to unnerve him and even though he could see the monitor beating regularly he still felt the need to go in and check for himself. The cold dread that they were too late already ate away at him as he moved towards the bed. He held out his fingers against Rodney's throat to check his pulse and was relieved to feel it strong and steady. _Stupid damn fool! Of course he's okay._

As he pulled his fingers away he saw the glint of the light on something around Rodney's neck.

As he pulled his collar away he saw it was a necklace. Rodney came too with a start looking around lost and confused.

"It's okay Rodney. You're in the infirmary, remember? No dreams."

Rodney nodded and sagged against the pillows, looking drained and weary. Looking fragile and breakable.

"Rodney, you know you're not allowed jewellery in here. There could be germs ingrained in it," as he reached out to take it from around his neck. "Funny, I never had you pegged for the jewellery type." As his fingers closed around the heavy silver links he felt it. Felt the warmth beneath his fingers, the gentle tingle on his mind, "Rodney?" He said as he looked up to his face and saw a guarded, cornered look in his eyes.

He blinked, clamped his mouth shut as he bit down on the anger he felt. There was a chance he was wrong. Maybe it had nothing to do with this. "Rodney? What is this Rodney?" He asked gently as he unclipped the necklace and held it in his fist between them. It shook slightly as Sheppard's anger betrayed him.

Rodney held out his palm and Sheppard laid the necklace in his hand. Rodney sniffed, closed his eyes as his tongue pushed against his upper lip to steady it even as his bottom lip quavered. When he opened his eyes again there were tears in them. His hand closed over the necklace in a tight fist as he shook it slightly at Sheppard as he spoke. His voice broke as he whispered, "No dreams, John. No Nightmares."

"Rodney… are you saying you knew all along what was causing this?" Sheppard felt angry inside, anger so deep that they had nearly lost him through his own stupidity.

Rodney clamped his teeth together in an attempt to keep his emotions in check, closed his eyes again as he took a deep shuddering breath through his nose and then he opened them again and looked at Sheppard willing him to understand as he tried again to explain.

His voice quiet and intense, yet fragile, "To see Brendan again with his face young and whole as it used to be before… before…" he bit down, swallowed and then started again, "to see Grodin again as he was and not as I imagine his body to look, to see them all. Ford's smile and the laughter in his eyes, Elizabeth alive, Beckett whole… alive…" A sob broke free on the last word, stopping him from continuing as he panted. He was trying to regulate his breathing to stop it hitching as emotion overwhelmed him.

Sheppard's heart broke, felt the pain twist inside. _Oh to see those things again_. "It's okay Rodney. I understand but you have to see that you can't use this anymore. It doesn't work properly." He said as he sat himself on the side of Rodney's bed as he held Rodney's fist in his hands. He gently pulled his fist open and took the necklace from his hand and placed it on the bedside cabinet as Rodney watched his every move, his breath still hitching and his eyes red raw. "Rodney?"

Rodney nodded quickly. He took another deep breath as he tried to steady his emotions again. "I thought it might be something else. I thought they would find a reason and I… I would get to keep it. I… I wouldn't have to watch any of you die, I would get to dream again, dream of things that don't tear me apart." Tears now fell freely down his face as he scrubbed away at his cheeks with his free hand.

Sheppard closed his eyes, dropping his head. These are the things he tried so hard to protect Rodney from, tried to stop him having to deal with. He swallowed thickly as he tried to put into words how he managed to sleep at nights. "They died for Atlantis, Rodney." He said as he raised his head to look at him. "In order to remember them correctly then you have to remember how they died and in turn why. To forget their final sacrifice is to take away their love of Atlantis. No matter how much it hurts that they are gone, you have to remember."

Rodney was looking at him with wide blue eyes. His breath hitched deeply and painfully as he nodded. "Yes, I can see that. I was just thinking of me as usual."

"Rodney," Sheppard admonished gently but firmly. He gave a half laugh. "You were being human. If I had found it then I dare say I would have had a hard time giving it up but it has to be this way. We need you at your best to keep Atlantis safe and me sane."

Rodney kept his eyes on the necklace as he sank back down into the pillows.

"Rodney?"

Rodney swallowed and said quietly, "Please stay. I don't want to be alone when I remember."

He turned to look at Sheppard. His face and eyes red raw from the emotions he had tried to scrub away with his hands and his eyes fearful and shining brightly in the light.

Sheppard nodded. "I'll be here, Rodney." He watched as he fell into a fitful sleep, his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids. He watched Rodney dream and wished there could be another way.

When Rodney woke up he found his friends around his bed. They felt like a shield, protecting him from the ghosts of his dreams and it helped. He glanced at the bedside cabinet and found the necklace gone but with these people here he felt no need for it, felt strong again.

He met Sheppard's eyes and nodded solemnly once. He hung his head as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. He raised his head to look around at everyone with a smile tugging at his lips, "I suppose it's too much to hope that at least one of you thought to bring dessert with you?"

… everyone of them lifted up a dessert to show him. He must still be emotional because it took all his willpower not to cry.

THE END


End file.
